Imagine telling Cupid right before he strikes the arrow that you’re just looking for “new friends,” “hookups,” or “short-term dating.” No one can control the way a relationship works out for those two people, but is it not peculiar to tell the “god of desire, erotic love, attraction and affection” that you’re just “meh” when it comes to relationships?
That’s probably how some people feel when signing up for online dating sites like OkCupid, which doesn’t even offer a “marriage” option. Online daters are scrolling around looking for the one and becoming disappointed at the amount of “friend” requests in the dating profiles — enough to fill up a MySpace top list. There’s even a “non-monogamy option” on OkCupid for those who are open to monogamy and those preferring to keep their options open. How romantic.
Even after a year of social isolation and carefully picking and choosing those to stand less than 6 feet apart, online daters cannot always promise that their “vacci-date” is ready to settle down. When I was a moderator for this platform, I kinda sorta understood where the users were coming from. Although I’m a Geriatric Millennial (born in the early ’80s), I still fall within the group of Millennials who hasn’t rushed down the aisle. I’m not a “child(ren) of divorce,” as Business Insider suggested. In fact, I’m just the opposite. My parents have been married for 40 years; grandparents were married for 49 years; and my older brother has been married to his high-school sweetheart for 22 years.
But Millennials simply are not rushing down the aisle. We’re more strategic—take more time to find the right partner, attempt to get debt under control (i.e. student loans, credit card bills), cohabite without a marriage license, and are pro-prenup. While we’re indirectly bringing the divorce rate down by getting married in later years (or not at all), we’re also a complex group on dating sites.
With Generation Z, the dating scene is still unclear, especially for those who believe the “sweet spot” for men to want to get serious is somewhere in their late 20s and early 30s. Nowadays, the median age for U.S. adults getting married is age 27 for women and 29 for men. Meanwhile Gen Z started in 1997, so they haven’t quite reached that age yet. Neither group has lived with as many married couples in the labor force as Generation X or Baby Boomers (72% and 86%) compared to Gen Y Millennials and Gen Z (69% and 64%).
Is looking for “friends” the wrong way to date?
While no one wants to get “friend-zoned” by someone they’re romantically interested in, genuinely liking one’s significant other enough to have a strong friendship just makes sense. Lust can only last for so long.
In fact, in a Science Daily report, co-authors Geoffrey Greif, DSW, MSW (professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work) and Kathleen Holtz Deal, PhD, MSW (associate professor at the School) confirmed that when couples agree on how they spend their time alone and with others, they are more likely to have a happy marriage or relationship.
Out of the 123 couples who were interviewed together and 122 who were alone when questioned (and 58 divorcees), sex and money were still taboo topics to talk about—even among friends. While there will always be controversial topics among online daters and friends, is “looking for a relationship” the new controversy? I wouldn’t necessarily say so.
The pet factor that supports the friend factor
Some people are better prepared and more interested in immediate commitment than others. Think of the recent news from the United Kingdom of pandemic pets being returned because people just couldn’t handle the responsibility. Commitment to any living being is a big step, whether it’s on four legs or two.
Some folks are just better at it than others. Granted pet lovers (including the ones on FetchaDate) initially feel they are prepared to take on the responsibility of another living being, it’s not until you actually have that living being in your household that you can confirm it’s for you. This is one of many reasons that aspiring pet owners choose fostering pets first to see if they’re ready for the real thing. They’re testing the waters.
So playing Devil’s Advocate, is “testing the waters” with online dating sites to see how well the friendships work essentially the same thing? Online daters will instinctively know when they want to take a step past friendship into a relationship. And if they’re lucky, it’s mutual. So don’t be too discouraged by the online dater whose profile says this person is only looking for friends. It doesn’t mean (s)he’s anti-relationship; they just may want the foundation of a solid friendship first.
