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These questions come from members of the FetchaDate community.

This question was asked by Yong.

Letting go of someone you love can be difficult, especially when your mind knows the relationship isn’t right but your heart is still holding on. You may find yourself grieving not only the person, but also the future you imagined together.

In this edition of Ask Sheryl, learn why healing takes time and how releasing those expectations can make room for a healthier future.

Hi Sheryl,

 

How do I let go of someone I love when I know they aren’t meant for me, but my heart still hasn’t caught up with what my mind already knows?

 

Knowing Better, Still Loving,
Yong

 

Hi Yong,

 

One of the hardest parts of letting go is that our heart moves on a different timeline than our mind.

 

Your mind recognizes the relationship isn’t right before your heart is ready to RELEASE the hope of what could have been.

 

I know because I too create and hold onto relationships more on the FANTASY of what I wanted it to be, and the two don’t always converge.

 

Sometimes, being together doesn’t mean you’re building the same future.

 

That’s completely normal.

We don’t just grieve the person; we grieve the future we imagined with them.

 

Traveling together, the holidays, and the inside jokes we imagined laughing about for years.

Sometimes we even take that trip, only to realize it went flat.

The jokes become misunderstandings.

The connection never quite catches up to the story we wrote in our heads.

 

We’re mourning the dream just as much as the relationship.

But here’s something I’ve learned:

 

Love alone isn’t enough.

 

Love can be real and still not be enough to make a relationship right.

 

You can deeply love someone and still not be compatible.

 

You can care about someone and still recognize they can’t give you the relationship you deserve.

Every day you spend holding on to someone who isn’t your person is a day you’re emotionally unavailable for the person who could be.

 

Letting go doesn’t mean the love wasn’t real.

 

It simply means you’re choosing to stop investing your future, your time, in someone who can’t meet you there.

 

Make room for someone who’s ready to build a future with you.

 

Give your heart a beat (figuratively); it will catch up.

 

You don’t stop loving them overnight; you simply start loving yourself enough to stop settling.

 

One more thought that may help…

 

The phrase “let it go” can make anyone crazy.

That phrase alone can make us feel stuck, as if we’re being asked to erase our feelings or forget someone we loved.

 

Instead, let’s reframe it.

 

You’re not “letting go” of the person as much as you’re letting go of the future you imagined with them, a future that, while beautiful in your mind, was still imaginary.

 

Your mind has already recognized what your heart is still processing.

 

Trust what your mind knows, give your heart permission to heal at its own pace, and eventually they will catch up with each other.

 

Healing takes time. Trust what you know, and give your heart time to understand it, too.

 

FETCHLOVE TAKEAWAY:

Don’t focus on “letting go”. Focus on releasing the future you imagined with them. When you stop holding onto an imaginary future, you create space for a real one.

 

Sheryl
The Pet Lover’s Dating Coach

Issue #4: fetchadate “Fetch Friday – Ask Sheryl” newsletter
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