No Chemistry After First Date? How to Say No Kindly
No chemistry after a first date? You’re not alone. Sometimes, you can enjoy a great conversation, spend hours getting to know someone, and still realize you don’t want a second date. That doesn’t mean anyone did anything wrong. The challenge is communicating your feelings honestly without unnecessarily hurting someone. Sheryl shares how to handle the situation with kindness, clarity, and respect.
Real dating questions. Honest answers.
This week’s question comes from a member of the FetchaDate community.
Hi Sheryl,
I’m new to dating apps and recently met in person with a guy I’d been chatting with. We had a drink and ended up talking for two hours. He was nice, and the conversation was good, but when we left, there was an awkward hug, well at least on my part. I was relieved he didn’t ask for a 2nd date right then.
What’s the best way to handle that? Say something right then, message him later, or just not respond in the app like so many people do?
— Awkwardly Not Feeling It
What to Do When There’s No Chemistry After a First Date
First, welcome to dating apps, where a two-hour conversation can end with a three-second hug that tells you everything you need to know.
Here’s the good news: A date can be perfectly pleasant and still not be a match.
He doesn’t have to do anything wrong.
You don’t need a red flag, a bad date, or a dramatic reason not to want to see someone again.
Sometimes… the chemistry just isn’t there.
But if you’ve spent two hours sitting across from someone, getting to know each other, I wouldn’t ghost them. 👻
Should You Reject Someone in Person or Send a Message Later?
I also don’t think you need to announce it during that awkward goodbye hug:
“Thanks for the drink, but I’m not interested!”
It’s okay to say goodbye and give yourself some time to process how you feel.
Then, if he reaches out or if you already know you’re not interested, you can send a short message like:
“I really enjoyed meeting you and our conversation.
It didn’t feel like the connection I’m looking for, but I wish you the best.”
That’s it.
You don’t need to explain why.
You don’t need to find something wrong with him to justify your decision.
And you don’t need to offer friendship.
How to Reject Someone Kindly After a Date
Being back in the dating world myself, I’ve been reminded that how we end something matters, even when it barely got started.
Whether you meet someone on FetchaDate, another dating app, or standing in line for coffee, there’s still a real person on the other side of that chat.
If they treated you respectfully, offer them the same courtesy. 🤍
You can be honest about your feelings without being harsh. A short, thoughtful message is often enough to give the other person clarity and allow both of you to move forward.
Why You Don’t Need to Force a Connection
Sometimes, we feel guilty about rejecting someone who seems perfectly nice. We might even convince ourselves to give things another chance because the conversation was good or the person looks great on paper.
But not every good person is going to be your person.
Dating is about discovering whether there’s a genuine connection, not forcing one to happen.
And remember:
Rejecting someone kindly isn’t mean. Pretending there’s potential when you know there isn’t isn’t kinder.
A little honesty + a little kindness can go a long way.
FETCHLOVE TAKEAWAY
A date can be perfectly pleasant and still not be a match.
We sometimes think we need to find something wrong with someone to justify not wanting another date. We don’t.They can be nice. The conversation can be good. They can look great on paper, and you can still not feel the connection. Not every good person is going to be your person. And that’s exactly what dating is designed to discover.
Sheryl
The Pet Lover’s Dating Coach
Issue #10: fetchadate “Fetch Friday – Ask Sheryl” newsletter
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