So you’ve matched with that cutie on FetchaDate? You went on your first, fourth, and even seventh date — not that you were counting! You’ve even introduced them in person to your pet, and they get along. The more time you spend together, the more things about them you like. Then, one day as you’re gazing at them, a thought pops into your head: “So, what are we? Do we need to DTR (define the relationship)?”
If neither of you is bringing it up, who’s first? Who suggests “the talk”? It’s a conversation that’s usually avoided as long as possible for various reasons.
We know, we know. You don’t want to “ruin a good thing.” You’re clinging to the romanticized idea of being spontaneous and carefree. Or, maybe you have a fear of rejection. It can be a daunting task to have a conversation about what the future holds and whether you’re both on the same page.
It’s completely natural to get a little seasick as you navigate the waters leading from casual to commitment. However, it’s also completely natural to have clarity about where your (relation)ship is headed.
I mean, come on, who buys tickets for a cruise without knowing the destination?
So yes, discussing labels may always be a little bit awkward. But, as Carrie Bradshaw from “Sex & the City” says, “Love is the only label that doesn’t go out of style.”
If you want things to move in a more serious direction, the DTR conversation is inevitable.
Charm your way into the DTR conversation
I’m a big fan of the TV show “Southern Charm.” During a dinner with friends, the pressure was on for Shep and Taylor to have “the talk.” Shep stepped up, touched Taylor’s hand, and said, “We’re having the talk right now. We’re together.”
Taylor said, “Oh, are we dating?”
Shep replied, “Yes!” and gave a thumbs up.
Combating the elephant in the room this way made their friends have a laugh about it. The DTR conversation, if both people are on the same page, can be as easy as that. Will there be times when one may seem to be in love too fast or “the needy one”? Yes. But it’s just as likely that both people have mutual feelings. In this case though, it was a matter of gender conformity.
On the tennis court later that day, as Shep and Taylor followed up on their conversation, he asked why she didn’t bring up their relationship status instead. She replied that it’s “not the girl’s job, it’s the man’s job.” Shep was perplexed and thought it was the girl’s job to do so. In the real world, these “role” beliefs leave online dating users playing guessing games. And on mobile apps like Bumble, it’s flat-out not true. In modern times, that “girl’s job” and “man’s job” altogether.
On FetchaDate, we make the relationship status talk less awkward too. By having your WingPet break the ice, your pet can initiate the DTR talk. Just send a note to ask your relationship status courtesy of your four-legged friend.
Clear communication is the foundation for any sustainable loving relationship. While you can’t control the fact that this particular conversation might be a bit uncomfortable to initiate, here are four things you can control to help it go as smoothly as possible.
1. It’s empowering and healthy to be direct about what you want.
It’s okay to ask for the type of relationship you want. If anyone makes you feel bad for expressing your needs, they are not the one for you. This doesn’t mean the conversation should put pressure on the other person, but there are ways to be clear about what you want without being demanding.
Approaching the conversation from a place of curiosity can help soften the approach. Simply ask them where they see the relationship heading and how taking things to the next level would look like to them.
2. Be honest and straightforward about your feelings.
This isn’t the time to be vague about what you’re looking for. Fear of rejection can make subtleties tempting but also ensures the conversation will be unproductive.
Start off with letting them know you’ve enjoyed spending time together, you want to continue getting to know them, and that right now you are looking for someone who also wants a committed relationship. Then tell them they are that “someone.”
3. Don’t make the conversation too serious.
“We need to talk” and “So what are we?” cause the most relationship anxiety. Don’t risk scaring your date by texting them in advance, trying to find a time for the conversation without being clear about the topic. Instead, the next time you’re together in person, look for an opportunity to bring things up naturally. If it’s a long-distance relationship or virtual dating (for safety), then do it face-to-face in a virtual call like Zoom or FaceTime.
Whether you’re reminiscing about times you’ve spent together or making upcoming plans, use it as an opportunity to share that you’ve been doing some thinking about your relationship and what the future might hold. Get their thoughts.
4. Remind yourself it’s okay if the outcome isn’t how you imagined it.
If it ends up that the two of you are not on the same page about where you see things going, you should still be proud of yourself for having the courage to have the conversation.
It’s so much better to realize you are looking for different things earlier on in the relationship before feelings deepen and investments grow.
Just because they aren’t ready for a relationship doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. Don’t internalize the stage they are at in their life; it has more to do with them than it does with you.
