Mixed signals in friendship can be confusing, especially when a close friend says she only sees you as a friend but gets jealous when you start dating other people. Does her jealousy mean she secretly wants something more, or is it time to move on? Let’s ask Sheryl.
When Friendship Starts Feeling Like Something More
Dear Sheryl,
I’ve been friends with a woman for a while, and somewhere along the way I developed feelings for her. We spend a lot of time together, talk almost every day, and are very close.
A few months ago, I told her how I felt. She said she really cares about me but only sees me as a friend. I respected that and started moving on, including dating other women.
That’s when things got confusing.
Whenever I mention a date, she gets quiet or asks a lot of questions. She even joked that she “didn’t like” one woman I was dating even though she’d never met her.
She says she only sees me as a friend, but she seems jealous when I date other women.
What am I supposed to make of that?
– Confused Friend
Does Her Jealousy Mean She Wants More?
Dear Confused Friend,
Ahhh…the infamous friend zone.
You finally tell her how you feel, she tells you she only wants friendship, you accept it and start dating other women, and now she seems jealous?
Yeah, I can see why you’re confused.
But first, I’ll give you credit for telling her how you felt. That takes courage, especially when the person is already one of your closest friends. Once you say it out loud, there’s always that risk that the friendship may never feel quite the same again.
I’m a Summer House fan, and Jesse Solomon recently captured that feeling in a song he wrote about falling for a best friend: “Once I say this, we can never go back.”
That line stuck with me because that’s the gamble, isn’t it? Sometimes saying how you feel opens the door to something more. Other times, it completely changes the friendship because now you both know.
But you took the risk, and she answered. Not the answer you desired.
She told you she sees you as a “friend”.
Her jealousy doesn’t necessarily change that.
How to Deal With Mixed Signals in Friendship
People can get surprisingly protective of relationships that are important to them. She may love how close you are, or she’s used to having your attention or she may worry that a girlfriend will change your friendship.
And yes, maybe, seeing you date other women stirs something in her. Sometimes we don’t fully understand what someone means to us until their attention gets diverted.
But here’s the important part: you don’t have to interpret her jealousy for her.
That’s her work to do.
Your job is to listen to what she has actually told you rather than trying to decode every reaction for evidence that she secretly wants something more.
And I’d ask yourself something, too:
Are you really moving on, or are you dating other women while still emotionally waiting for her to change her mind?
Because that’s not particularly fair to you or to the women you’re dating.
If you’re dealing with mixed signals in friendship, remember that jealousy isn’t proof of romantic interest. You can care about someone and still recognize that the relationship they are offering isn’t the relationship you want.
If she gets jealous, you don’t need to reassure her by pulling away from someone you’re interested in. And you certainly don’t need her approval of the women you date.
If her feelings have genuinely changed, she knows how you feel. This time, it’s her turn to take the risk and say it.
Until then, believe and honor the answer you’ve been given.
Fetch Love Dating Light Signals
Do friendships stay the same or change?
🟢 Explore: She supports you dating other people and respects the boundaries of your friendship, even if adjusting to the change is a little uncomfortable. Remain friends, but limit sharing details of your dating life if that helps you move forward.
🟡 Observe: She gets jealous, asks lots of questions, or seems bothered when you date, but continues to tell you she only wants friendship. Don’t turn mixed reactions into a relationship she hasn’t actually offered.
🔴 Don’t Explain It Away: She doesn’t want to date you but repeatedly interferes with your dating life, criticizes women she doesn’t know, or expects the emotional attention of a boyfriend while denying you the opportunity to move on.
Don’t put your dating life on hold waiting for someone else’s feelings to catch up with yours.
If she changes her mind, let her be the one to say it.
Until then, move on. Because the woman you’re meant to be dating may not be the friend you’re waiting on to eventually choose you. She may be someone new who already knows she wants to date you.
You are worthy of someone who wants to really date you.
If you’re ready to meet someone who shares your interest in pets and relationships, visit FetchaDate and take the next step toward finding your match.
FETCHLOVE TAKEAWAY
Jealousy isn’t the same thing as choosing you. Don’t confuse someone’s fear of losing your attention with a willingness to build a relationship with you, especially when they’ve said they just want to be friends.
Friendships can change, but you don’t have to stay stuck in one hoping it becomes something more.
Sheryl
The Pet Lover’s Dating Coach
Issue #14: fetchadate “Fetch Friday – Ask Sheryl” newsletter
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